I'm not a religious person, really. "Spiritual", I guess. Seems that's the conclusion most folks our age kind of end up coming to, doesn't it? I've always joked that eventually maybe I'll find Jesus or Buddah or King David or whatever somewhere down the line that will help lift me up from my darkness and mind crud and daily struggles. Like finding whatever that is will just magically end all of that sort of human emotion, right? Like all of a sudden I'll be all on the perfect path and be one of those perfect people I hate so much. You know those assholes. The ones who always know the exact right thing to say, the ones who know exactly what games to play to "achieve", well, at least in the short term. The ones who always look so picture-perfect...not only on the social media outlets, but in real life too. And that's the real hard-core shit, because making oneself look totally completely RIGHTEOUS on social media is really quite easy. It's a totally different animal to continue that parade into "real life".
These last few months have probably been some of the most difficult of my life. Through it all I'm doing everything I can to not feel completely alone, to stay as strong as I can, while being supportive of everyone else, and there are times where I've completely lost it. Which is weird. I've cried harder than ever, wanted to die at times more than ever, yet still felt more than ever. "Totally losing it" was a somewhat familiar pattern years back...but, looking back, what was I acting out and "losing it" for? Kind of stupid, selfish, almost adolescent reasons, really. But that's all part of growth, isn't it? So now the feedback loop of the goddamn UNIVERSE has looped back to a similar place, but it's harsher. And way darker. It is a tad wiser, however. Hopefully. And all I can do is hope that somehow there's some sort of light at the end of the tunnel that will lead back into the more peaceful, chipper part of the universe feedback loop.
Leonard's passing has sent my mind into overdrive, because I am reminded of a time about 5-6 years ago where I was going through a similar dark, shitty time. During this time there were some incredible souls that entered my life - some are gone, some remain, yadda yadda - who essentially saved me. We decided to head down to the Salton Sea one weekend because 1) we're weird, 2) one of us wanted to explore the deep appreciation of such a horrific place, and 3) one of us needed a weekend away to soul-search.
This was before I became a travel-bug. Simpler times, really. But, in actuality, shittier times. Any second away from the literal Asshole of Southern California that was the 101/405 interchange (some would argue Bakersfield...oh, and they're right. I digress. It's still pretty much being in an anus, though) was a second I lapped up like an eager puppy dog who'd been left out in the desert for a week without a drop of water. Anything away from that place somehow restored everything that was lost/sucked out on a daily/hourly basis...much like water, a life-sustaining...you know, life-sustaining type thing!
I'll let you research Salvation Mountain and Leonard and all the information that's out there if you care to. All I know is this place sent a surge of rejuvenation through my whole entire body I'd never felt before in my life. I'll never forget being lucky enough to see Leonard and having him give us the tour and showing us how he made all the trees and windy roads and flowers and all of the amazing, incredible, colorful, joyous subtleties that made this mountain pretty goddamn other-worldly. At the risk of sounding like a dramatic piece of crap, to this day I truly believe something about this place saved a part of my soul that day.
Thank you, Leonard, for everything that you did in your unique, bitchin', crazy life. May you rest in peace and enjoy all whatever the other side has to offer. I truly do hope that, in your words, it's eternally keeping things simple in letting love and letting (if you believe in it/him/her) God.
